|Posted on 14 February, 2019 at 3:30||comments (0)|
"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
Wherever you look today, there are Valentine’s Day cards, chocolates, menus, flowers, champagne, meal deals, jewellery, perfume, … all the things you need to declare your love for your partner. (Although I’ve found a big hug and “I love you” works just as well as baubles, but then I’m not trying to sell a product.)
In the middle of all the proclamations of love to others, are you remembering to love yourself?
I don’t mean loving yourself once you’ve lost that weight, got that promotion, found that man, sculpted those abs. I mean loving yourself now, even with all those little flaws that probably only you see or care about. It is about treating yourself with self respect, compassion, kindness, affection, tenderness, all the qualities you would bring to your relationship with your best friend.
Sometimes people have problems with loving themselves, thinking it is selfish or arrogant. But in fact, it will make you more confident and happy and that can only impact positively on those around you. It can help you to achieve your goals and dreams.
So how do you do this? Well, better people than me have written countless books on this, but for starters, you can take a leaf out of Queen Latifah’s book: “When I was around 18, I looked in the mirror and said, 'You're either going to love yourself or hate yourself.' And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things.”
And yes okay, why not buy yourself some flowers to celebrate loving yourself?
|Posted on 31 January, 2019 at 5:00||comments (0)|
Who have been your major positive influences, who have helped to shape you in ways you never realised?
It is the late 1960s. I am sitting watching my paternal Grandmother, Victoria, putting on her makeup. This is the first time I have been allowed to do so. She will be dead in a few months, so unbeknownst to both of us, it will also be the last time. Grandma is the only woman in my small 8 year old world who wears makeup. She is in her late sixties, but has a timeless glamour with her brilliant red lipstick, hennaed hair, whip thin figure, style and elegance.
Her morning transformation is my first real encounter with what it is to be a ‘glamourous’ type woman. As she applies face powder and tea rose perfume (the aromas of which still conjure her up to me), I ask lots of questions, like why should women wear makeup and worry about their outfits?
“Because,” she says, “a woman should always be ‘finished’. You never know who you are going to meet during the course of a day. It could be the person who could change your life.”
"But," I ask, "why makeup, why stick paint all over your face?"
“Because to get on in this world, a girl has to be seen to be pretty or intelligent.”
Taking my chin in her hand, she looks at me intently and says, “And you, my dear, will have to be very intelligent.”
At the age of 8, none of this means a lot to me (although I know enough not to recount this episode to my mother.) For one thing, I am a tomboy whose greatest ambition is to be a cowboy, and cowboys have never struck me as needing to be either pretty or intelligent. However, as I grow up, reach my late teens and start getting interested in being female, subconsciously I start taking Grandma’s advice. I try to dress as well as my budget will allow and even when I’m being casual, always make sure that I am “finished”. This has stood me in good stead when I have been called to a job interview with 4 hours notice or have met someone at a casual event who turns into a future client. (By the way, I am not saying women 'should' wear makeup - it is about finding your own definition of what gets you ready to meet the world.)
I have also taken the intelligence bit to heart, keeping an open mind and a willingness to learn. When I got the results of the degree I undertook in my 30s, my first thought was for Grandma. I think she realised that I was like her in many ways. She was a strong, self-reliant woman who never let circumstances beat her, who was always looking on the optimistic side and who, if something went wrong, would brush it off and move on to the next thing. Abandoned by her husband and left alone with their baby, she went from crying on finding a coin in the gutter because it meant she could buy food for that night, to owning her own house. She never saw a reason why being a woman would have to stop her doing anything she wanted (although pragmatic enough to know that sometimes, it paid to play by 'the rules' of the time, hence the pretty or intelligent comment).
I think she was aware that I would not, as an 8 year old, get upset and take to heart, negatively, what she had said.
But I do wonder if she knew exactly how much what she said would shape my life and who I am.
|Posted on 17 January, 2019 at 5:10||comments (0)|
I have a friend who screams under bridges.
This is not some kind of phobia, but something she does when needed as a stress buster. On her walk home from work, she passes under a railway bridge. If she times it right and there is no-one else about, she waits until a train goes over and screams. The noise of the train under the echo-y bridge is far louder than she could ever be, and she finds it a brilliant release of any stress she has built up during the day. Once the train has gone, she continues her walk home refreshed and ready for her family.
Another friend of mine say he gets the same release from going to football matches and shouting for his team (or at the referee!).
In both cases, it is as much about engaging the whole body as it is about the noise.
If you aren’t in a position to actually shout, but want to get the same release, an actor taught me a technique which can be used to quickly lessen tension.
Repeat if necessary.
This may sound a bit bizarre, but I have used it myself in the past and taught it to many people who have found it a very beneficial quick fix.
If you want to work on the issues which are making you scream, perhaps I can help. If so, get in touch for a chat.
|Posted on 15 November, 2018 at 4:20||comments (0)|
I have written before about creating a vision for your future and how it can motivate you.
Visualisation is also a terrific tool to use in other circumstances. When I had panic attacks in the past, a tool I used to manage them has been a visualisation process learnt from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It is a displacement activity, taking you out of the immediate panic and giving you space to calm down.
You begin the process when you are unstressed. The idea is that you spend time (maybe a few sessions of 5 or 10 minutes) building up a strong picture of your ‘safe place’ so that if/when a stressful situation occurs, you can immediately switch into your fully imagined place. (For me, it is Venice.)
To build the picture:*
It is a great and easy tool where you create your own experience of calm and which, even better, no-one can see you using. (Sometimes the fear of others seeing you having/dealing a panic attack can add to the stress, so a ‘secret’ tool is doubly beneficial.)
So, if ever you are with me in a stressful situation and I momentarily zone out, I am just taking in the Venetian air!
*(taken from http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk where you can also find many other useful CBT tools)
|Posted on 2 August, 2018 at 8:35||comments (0)|
The concept of kindness has been popping up around me in the past few days. I was introduced to a quote from Kurt Vonnegut's book, God Bless You, Mr Rosewater. "There's only one rule that I know of, babies, God damn it, you've got to be kind." And there is a quote (attributed to various people) going around social media, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
Being kind is one of those concepts which could sound anodyne, a bit like "nice". But kindness in action is a powerful thing, for both the receiver and giver.
Many years ago, when I was very young and easily influenced, I started work in an office. On the first day, several people warned me about another member of staff. She was, they said, moody, abrupt, humourless, rude and aloof. And this seemed to be true because although I didn't have much direct contact with her, I could see she was like that with everyone. I was very intimidated - I was used to people being friendly - and being immature, when I did have to work with her, I would be abrupt first, as a defence mechanism. True to form, she was rude and snappy with me.
After a few times, and knowing I was going to have to be in a meeting with her the next day, I was feeling very anxious. Abrupt wasn't my default mode and it was very uncomfortable for me. I started thinking about how I had taken other peoples' word about her character as truth, before I had made my own decision. What would happen, I thought, if I approached her in a new way - being respectful and, yes, kind?
Initially, it didn't make much of a difference, but I persevered. Over time, her attitude towards me softened. Gradually we became, if not exactly friends, at least warm acquaintances. I treated her with kindness and surprise, surprise, she treated me the same. (She even became less frosty with other people in the office, although they were still too attached to their opinions of her to really loosen up.)
In time, she made passing mentions of a seriously ill husband and of her own tentative health. But you know what? Those hidden hard battles shouldn't matter.
We should be kind to each other just because we can.
|Posted on 29 June, 2018 at 0:50||comments (0)|
I have a plethora of friends and contacts who are currently going to, returning from or planning holidays to the Seychelles, Crete, Cambodia, the Lake District… Whether you are off to Bermuda or Brighton, or having a staycation, it is important to take some time out to recharge the batteries. But if you are self employed, it is often hard to convince yourself that you can afford (either in time or money) to take time off. And if, like me, you really love what you do, it is difficult to notice how much you are working.
Now I have to confess at this point that I am not a great one for holidays in the formal sense. Two weeks sitting on a beach would a) burn my fair skin and b) bore me rigid. I’m also not one for long country walks - I like to know the countryside is there, but I don’t need to actually visit it. I am more of a city break, gallery type and even then, after about 4 days I get restless.
But what I am very good at doing is regularly blocking time out in my diary to definitely not work. This could be a day or a weekend where, first and foremost, I turn off the phone, unplug the laptop and lock away the iPad. If it is a cold, wet Sunday, I will snuggle down on the sofa with endless pots of tea and a pile of books and spend 12 hours in other peoples’ lives. (Crime fiction is a firm favourite of mine and the Inspector Montalbano books by Andrea Camilleri are particularly good for holiday reading - great plots plus endless descriptions of Italian food and locations which make you feel like you are really there!)
I often plan a ‘city break’ in my home town of London, meeting up with friends and spending the day like tourists, taking ourselves to places we don’t usually see in the hurly burly of working life. (It also cuts out the time and expense of travel!) We make it a rule not to talk about work and to have lots of tea!
The point is, whether you take a day or a couple of weeks, it is important to just kick back and take a complete break. It is very good for your well being and also your career - emptying your mind of work even for a few hours creates space for all those new ideas!
|Posted on 13 June, 2018 at 0:00||comments (0)|
Dancing the Argentine Tango teaches me so much more than 'just' getting around a dance floor without falling over or treading on my partner's toes.
Having a repertoire of clever steps, an understanding of music, a good partner and a pair of snazzy shoes is all very nice. However, the Argentine Tango is an improvised dance, depending on a collaboration and connection with your partner. This could be someone with whom you dance frequently or who you have just met.
You have to be focussed totally on what you as a couple are doing. You have to listen to the music with your ears and to each others' movements with your bodies and your intention. With there being no set choreography, the follower never knows what step they might be led and the leader can never assume that the follower will do exactly what was intended. It is a conversation, dictated by the connection, the music and in a busy milonga, what else is happening on the floor.
The key to making the dance work is mindfulness, as in 'a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment' (oxforddictionaries). If you want to dance well and have a lovely tango experience, when the music starts there is no room to think about the phone call you should have made this afternoon, the email you need to send first thing tomorrow or what to have for supper. (Personally, I would even go so far as to say your mind shouldn't even be on the steps, where the follower is trying to second guess the leader or the leader is working out how they are going to get their newly learnt, killer move into the dance.) Attention and intention must be absolutely in the moment, with the dance flowing from the connection. It has been described by some dancers as being like meditation.
The bottom line is that to dance tango beautifully, even if you only know two steps, you have to be totally committed to what you are doing and there is absolutely no room for multitasking.
A great lesson for every other area of our lives.